by Lynd Morris
Giving and receiving become a focus for many of us during the winter holidays. Merchandisers count on us to acquire new, more, bigger, and better of whatever it is they are selling. In subtle as well as blatant ways we are “guided” by the advertising industry to want what they promote. But over the years, my experience has been that what is more precious to receive and more satisfying to give than any “thing,” is the gift of presence. Just showing up and listening with an open and compassionate heart and mind.
However, although this is a wonderful ideal, it is not always easy to be genuinely present in the midst of the heightened expectations and sometimes challenging situations associated with the holiday season. These three practices may produce just the presence you need for everyone on your gift list…
For yourself:
Take at least a few minutes right now and as often as you can remember to look around wherever you find yourself and notice what you enjoy. In this moment, you may be sitting in front of your computer…look around the room. Are there pictures or other decorations, plants or pets, windows or furniture you like to look at? How’s the temperature in the room? Are you comfortable? Savor this moment of simple enjoyment and appreciation.
Or…let’s say, for example, you go shopping and find yourself standing in a long line at the cashier. You look around and notice a gazillion lights and colors in the displays…some are quite pretty. Looking at the faces of other shoppers, you notice a couple of people actually looking back at you. One or two even smile…especially the children. You take a deep breath. Yes, you are tired and your feet hurt, but that deep breath feels great. You take another breath and release it with pleasure.
Once you start this awareness and appreciation practice, you will begin to notice a multitude of ways in which your life is being supported—from the comfy chair you sit on at home to access to the 911 phone number, should you ever need it. Cultivating awareness and nourishing gratitude are profoundly transformational practices that can strengthen your presence so you can offer it to others.
For your family and friends:
Surprise those you love with something they probably will benefit from even more than advice: your curiosity and caring listening, with no attachment to outcome. Watch what happens when people share their confused, angry, or sad places and you don’t intervene but just listen deeply and compassionately. We all have innate problem-solving abilities that usually assert themselves once we have a chance to be heard by someone who can listen to us with warmth and an unspoken confidence in our ability to work things out with our own creativity.
Even when it seems as though you have insights that could be really helpful, first try just listening with relaxed openness (though it make take some dedicated practice of self-empathy to get to a place of spacious presence). Even powerful emotions can dissipate when they have been thoroughly expressed and heard, leaving the person expressing them with a spaciousness and resilience that can allow them to once again access their own problem-solving abilities.
Instead of waiting for an opportunity to share your experience as you listen, silently identify and relish the needs you are hearing in the the other person. And, notice your own desire to contribute as well as any other needs arising in you. Savor these, they are life energy, and pausing to reawaken them will nourish you while increasing your ability to be present to others.
For your community and the world:
Bring that same quality of empathy into day-to-day life. There are probably many aspects of the world you’d like to look different—from the way your family members treat each other to the way people around the globe treat each other and the environment.
Your NVC practice is an important foundational step in making at least one person more conscious of needs and more effective at meeting them. The next step is to take compassionate consciousness and communication skills into your community and the wider world. Take action.
Consider pulling out an NVC needs list and picking just one of the needs with which you identify deeply—perhaps “honesty” or “generosity” or even “playfulness.” Then, decide that for the next hour or day or week or month you will respond to the situations that arise in your life by offering your action from this particular need, regardless of how others treat you. So, for example, if you choose to act from generosity, you might hold that value in your heart and mind and even when you do not believe others are being generous, you act with unilateral generosity anyway. Even if your cousin didn’t invite you to the last holiday dinner, you can still choose to invite her to your dinner this year.
Presence is strengthened by increasing your capacity for self-awareness and taking action. And, examining your actions during the holidays to ensure they are aligned with your values is a valuable practice, especially as 2010 draws to a close and you prepare to begin 2011 with intentionality.
Living your values through direct action will probably present you with many more opportunities in which you’ll appreciate your growing self-empathy skills as well as the empathy of others. Fortunately, we have a growing network of NVC practitioners in the Metro DC region who are looking for ways to meet and support each other by offering empathy. You might want to join us for the Empathy Café being held on December 16th or the Making Heart Bread community gathering on January 15th, or consider attending the Introduction to Learning NVC, Living Compassion workshop I am offering on January 9th or the NVC for Couples workshop my husband and I are offering on January 29th. And, check out the Capital NVC website periodically to see what new events are being scheduled to support your practice.
And, best wishes for wrapping up holiday presence--the gift that benefits the giver and the receiver!
Lynd Morris is an NVC trainer certified by the global Center for Nonviolent Communication. She graduated from the 2005 North America NVC Leadership Program and has participated in the NVC LIFE Program since it began in 2006. For more than 5 years she has led NVC classes and workshops in Maryland and Virginia and has participated in or assisted at numerous NVC trainings across the United States. Lynd is a founding member of Capital NVC and is a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center in Silver Spring, Maryland. In 1997, she was ordained as a lay member of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Order of Interbeing.